Sacrifice Wins Wars
by TheOneThatGotAway91
Summary: She avoids him She avoids him like the plague. But on the second night upon returning from Mount Weather, he finds her. [Set after 2x12]


She avoids him

She avoids him like the plague.

But on the second night upon returning from Mount Weather, he finds her. In her tent. He knocks on the flap, actually- a bit awkwardly. She doesn't respond. She knows Bellamy well enough to recognize his shadow outside her tent. So. She doesn't respond.

"I know you're in there, Clarke," he drawls, and she rolls her eyes.

And then he just walks in.

Bellamy Blake. Ever the patient one.

She'd been sitting on her bed, staring down at her hands. Her hands. Sometimes, when she became caught up in saving everyone, or busy at the med bay, she saw blood on her hands. Just when she thought she could get _passed _all of the horrible, terrible, inhumane decisions she'd made, she sees _their _blood on her hands. _His _blood.

It surprises her- what her hands are capable of.

They've sewn together the man standing in front of her more times than she can count; they've also stabbed a man she once loved to death, and pulled the trigger of a gun. They've drawn… pictures and portraits, and fantasies- hopes and dreams, shielded away in her notebook.

How could her hands have done so much- and still look the same?

"Clarke?"

She blinks up at him. And suddenly, the wind changes. Now that she's seen him, she can't unsee him. Bellamy. She stands up, hastingly, ready for whatever he has to say to her.

"Bellamy."

Even though she says it in a whisper, barely audible, saying his name somehow makes everything more real.

"You've been avoiding me."

"I…"

She can't even deny it. Because _of course _she's been avoiding him. She clamps her mouth shut and then looks down at her shoes.

"You couldn't have saved everyone, Clarke," he stated, taking a step closer to her. And she cannot believe what he's saying right now.

She can't break in front of him.

She can't break in front of anyone. Her mom. Kane. Although she'd gotten pretty close in front of Raven.

Huh.

She swallows down the bile in her throat and risks looking up at him.

She needs to say this- no matter how much he hates her. She needs him to know, that… this wasn't what she wanted.

"I knew."

"I know," he nods. Because _he_ had told _her _about the missile_._ She internally kicks herself. He's still inching towards her- as if she's on a cliff and about to dive off.

"I didn't evacuate anyone." It is stated.

"I know," he repeats. She wants to tell him Lexa's words. That evacuating had meant giving him up as the inside man. But she doesn't. Excuses don't exempt what she did.

"So many people died."

Her voice cracks, and she hates it. So many leaders, and… seconds, of the 12 clans. She thinks she'll never forget the smell of fire now. Of burned dirt and bark and flesh. She swallows thickly.

"Many more lived," he whispers. And she shakes her head frantically. There should have been a way for them _all _to live. She should have found another way. He's close enough to touch her now, just the smell of… _Bellamy _makes her look up at him. His eyes are concerned, worried- for her- and she _cannot _for the life of her, understand how.

She needs to get this out.

"Octavia," she finally breathes. She's an idiot if she doesn't see him tense. Did he really think she'd skip over this? "She was there… with Lincoln, and my mom and Kane- and, I-"

"Clarke."

"I left them there to _die_, Bellamy!" she finally yells. Because his calming tone is doing nothing for her other than expediting the guilt and raw feeling in her chest. His eyes go wide, his mouth slightly open- but he doesn't look upset.

She on the other hand, runs out of the tent, and empties the contents of her stomach.

He's pulling her hair back within a second.

She can feel his gun digging into her thigh, through his shirt as he rubs soothing circles into her back from behind her. She hears footsteps, and knows its Raven- she just _knows. _And then she hears Bellamy say something, and Raven retreats- although she's almost positive the mechanic didn't come looking for a fight.

She collapses.

And as Bellamy goes to catch her, he falls too. Both of them sitting on the grass now, near a tree.

Just like when Dax died. Just like when they killed him.

She shouldn't apologize. She did what she thought was right and apologizing insinuates that she regrets her choice.

She does. Regret it.

But, she can't look weak. Not to her people.

"I shouldn't have sent you," she finally says.

"Yes, you should have."

"No, I should have…" _helped more. Said more. Done more. _She can't find the words, but she's trying to tell him that she shouldn't have… made him feel like his loss wouldn't matter to her. She can't say it like that, though.

They didn't say things like that.

"It's okay, Princess."

She knows he's intending to tease, but he sounds so… serious that she can't help but glance at him.

"All I thought about," she starts, "was that my mom shouldn't have been there." And what good did that do?

The amount of disappointment in Abby's eyes these days was unbearable.

But Bellamy nods. She's pretty sure if he was there, he would have only thought of Octavia.

"I wanted to evacuate, Bellamy," she whispers, pleading. "You have to believe me."

"I do believe you, Clarke. You have to stop doing this to yourself."

"I just-"

"Octavia and Lincoln are fine," he says, forcefully. "Kane's a bit scratched up, but I'm sure it's nothing your mom can't fix."

His lips turn up in a suggestive way, and she forces herself to _not_ think about that for now. About her mom and Kane.

"What if they weren't?"

"We can't think like that." We. _We. _

She pauses for a second. He's right.

"I'm not very good at this."

"You shouldn't be," he shrugs. "You're 18." She finds enough light in the world in that second to give him a slight shove. It seems to amuse him.

"I'm…" she turns to look at him, and he shakes his head. "I'm sorry." Because maybe Bellamy isn't her people. Bellamy is hers. She doesn't lead him, and he doesn't look up to her. They stand, side by side. Together. "For sending you." A tear escapes down her cheek. "For not finding Octavia before I left." She takes a shaky breath. "For killing Finn."

His eyes soften, and he shifts closer to her. Their legs just brushing against one another, but nothing else.

"Sacrifice wins wars, Clarke." And she can tell he believes it, and that he's willing her to as well.

"Lexa told me that love- caring- was a weakness."

She sees him try to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He fails.

"And that's why I sent you."

She realizes the implication, and freezes for a second but doesn't expand on it. He seems to tense a bit too, but doesn't say anything.

Thank god.

Now's not the time.

"And I know it's late," she whispers. "But it wasn't worth it." He looks up at her now. Those words holding a lot more weight than they should. "Not getting Octavia _and _sending you in… the way I did."

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she realizes she hadn't included Finn in that. She pushes those thoughts away.

"Leaders make mistakes. But they also learn," Bellamy says, nodding. "If you think you made the wrong call this time, fine- but just don't… next time. Be better." She lets her head fall back onto the tree trunk.

Next time.

"You need to be there with me," she says, absently. "I can't do this without you."

He mimics her pose- his head leaning back, and just sort of sighs.

He's tired too, she can tell. Exhausted really. But right now- this is where they need to be. This is okay.

Tomorrow they will talk to the kids from Mount Weather who can walk the earth. She will speak to Raven about Finn. And she will apologize to Octavia and Lincoln and Kane. She will try to get her mother to understand.

He will meet with Jasper and Monty about more training, and make sure they aren't too traumatized about the things they had to do to get out. He will plan the raid for the technology they can hopefully salvage from Mount Weather.

They will speak to Lexa about avenging the dead, and they will lead their people, to a peaceful, hopefully prosperous world.

But right now, _this _is where they need to be. _This _is okay.


End file.
